Alternate Presidents and Hurricane Katrina

(Many scientists believe that there are alternative universes in which events have taken different paths from the ones we are familiar with. In that spirit, I present the current Republican candidates as they responded to Hurricane Katrina as President in 2005.)

President Romney: “Today is a day of great tragedy and I cannot idly stand by. Therefore I have directed the Federal Reserve to allocate one billion dollars to assist in the recovery of Gulf Coast banks and brokerage houses. As I speak, the US Air Force is flying in a crack team of automotive technicians skilled in the restoration of waterlogged luxury vehicles. We will also assist in the recovery of Gulf Coast golf courses which will help restore the spirits of the job creators, and this will eventually help this vital region, especially all the blah people down there. I am also proposing a massive tax cut for the highest earners and the oil industry in order to spur the economy.”


President Santorum: “The sad part is that this disaster was completely preventable. If only the people of New Orleans had spent more time reading the story of Noah, they would never have allowed homosexuals to flaunt their abortions and birth control in public where they could corrupt the youth; thank God for his mercy in not drowning every one of you. I am sending in an elite team of trained disaster-recovery Christian clergy to rebuild the spiritual flood defenses of the Gulf region. I am also proposing a massive tax cut for the highest earners and the oil industry in order to spur the economy.”


President Gingrich: “This administration will take immediate steps to ensure that such a tragedy never again threatens New Orleans. Today, Sandia National Laboratory and the Army Corps of Engineers will begin a plan to place the city of New Orleans on a giant raft, allowing it to rise above any and all flood waters. In the future we can use this technology to build new states out in the ocean and to colonize other planets. I am also proposing a massive tax cut for the highest earners and the oil industry in order to spur the economy.”


President Paul: “A great disaster has befallen the people of New Orleans; I ask all Americans to join me in signing this giant sympathy card. I am also proposing a massive tax cut for the highest earners and the oil industry in order to spur the economy.”